No matter where I go, the internet goes wacky. I used to think that the internet is simply highly unreliable but now I am starting to think that I have an adverse effect on technology. The internet is allergic to me. I don’t know what the cause is but it reminds me of another affliction I have –the Kiss of Death…or the Kiss of Madness…or, at the very least, the Kiss of Dysfuntionality. If you kiss me something bad is going to happen.
It was the fourth of July several years ago when I went riding on the back of an ATV down some railroad tracks in a drunken celebration of independence. I did not know the friend of a friend of a friend that wildly put us onto two wheels at every opportunity to hear me scream. But I did kiss him at the end of the ride in gratitude for the resulting exhilaration and at his request. The next day he died on his motorcycle on Interstate 75 in Marietta, Georgia.
Look back into my past and you find victims of my dangerous kiss littered behind me. It was after the death of the motorcycle man that I decided that I must save the lives of these potential suitors and stop kissing. It is a sacrifice and also my good deed, my way of serving humanity. And it’s a shame, really, because I have great genes that would produce healthy and hardy offspring that would outlive everybody. Perhaps I should rethink my plan and look for the perfect specimen to mate with who will then become a sacrifice for the children that he will never see…because he will be dead. Like the black widow who kills after she mates, my destiny will swallow up the father of my children. Oh, well.
Tags: ATV, black widow spider, destiny, Kiss of Death, kissing, mating, motorcycle accident
